love, discipline, and my beloved music teacher.
inthiscorneroftheworld we love 2 mourn too much & too late.
people say that you should write stories about people you love. i think. a lot of people say a lot of things about writing.
anyway, i always think i should write stories about people i love. the trickiest part isn’t deciding who to write about, it’s deciding who i can equally love in real life and on the page.
the only person i have truly loved in a story is my music teacher from primary school. her soul was bigger and softer than anyones should ever be; she never winced when i fucked up skateboarding on my recorder (it was only three notes, i don’t know how i struggled that much.) even when she wasn’t my teacher, she would send my mum passages for me to play, practice guides, opportunities… it felt like she’d seen something in me that i couldn’t see for myself.
i miss music. i miss my teacher, but she features in my stories, in the form of a guide, a half-remembered dream, a guardian angel. i never stop loving her. my words leak ink onto the stave and spell her name in music, remembering her grace and kindness. i should play more, get my flute serviced, and reconnect with all the love that learning to play gave me. discipline, parents say when you beg to know why you’re learning an instrument. what is discipline if not a tempering of the heart, mind, and soul so that we are ready to receive love?
maybe this was what she saw in me. a begging to be loved, to give love, for someone to receive it… i cannot truly say. but i can love her on the page. again and again and again she will save my characters; she will save me. this is how i make up for the sharp notes that left her ears ringing, how i thank her for the discipline she gave me. this is how i reconnect to the way i love people on the page, how i remind myself to love in the ‘real’ world. this is how i know it is time to pick up my flute and feel the bite of the cold metal, let it warm under my fingertips, and remember how to dance.
this song is for you.
i love you in the real world ella and i love this substack too